Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit…but not completely. People confuse me and I hate that experience would be more accurate.

My mom raised me with this idealist view of people and the world. She definitely meant well and wanted me to focus on what is possible instead of what’s wrong. Unfortunately walking out on my own into the real world has been a horrifying experience for someone looking for good only.

Humans are inherently flawed creatures; I fall I to this category. Most in my general environment seem pessimistic to the point that they create their own feared realities. Looking for the bad in someone and drawing that bad out of them. Expecting to fail and failing because they didn’t prepare for success. All of them seem foolish until you realize that you’re doing the same damn thing too 😒

Maybe that frustration with people is more of an internal conflict that hasn’t been brought to the surface. Maybe if I deal with my own perceived inadequacies my outcomes will be different. Maybe if if was a fifth we would all be drunk.

How about this, maybe people just suck…and I’m people too.

What’s scary about my most recent revelations into my own thought processes is that it makes me amazed that the work I love to do has fucked me up in life.

I’ve had a bit of a superiority complex when it comes to my own emotions by expecting myself to be above feeling anything that I didn’t want to experience. The idea of a person’s perception being their own lived reality, accurate or not, is a new concept for me to accept…especially in me.

I have had expectation of being superior over my feelings and emotions to the point of controlling them completely. If I didn’t want to experience something then there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to control how I allowed myself to experience it. Mind over mind (matter) in a way of speaking:

“How better to control your outcome than to control every aspect of what you experience?”

To paraphrase something I heard recently, subduing your emotions is like putting trash into a compactor…the trash (energy) doesn’t go away just because you no longer see (feel) it. At some point it will be filled; you will have to dump it all out and deal with it. They said it much better but you get the analogy.

We may go through things in a way of preparing us for experiences yet to come. Some things we go through are a lesson on we should/n’t have done. And then others we go through are just the end result of what we do with no underlying message in view.

How is this for looking into my own issues? I believe that I may be attracted to women who are warm yet, emotionally unavailable, because of my relationships with the women in my family who are the same. Basically replicating the relationships that I grew up with because I’m trying to fix that lack of availability in them.

Controlling my thoughts = controlling my feelings and therefore my experience…right? How ever could this go wrong? 🙄

I’m finally accepting that I need to learn to feel how I feel about people and situations without trying to “fix it” the way that I do in just about always do right now. It’s been told to me that it is time to let my Spirit lead me instead of coming from a “clinical approach.” Sounds easier than it is, I don’t know my Spirit even though I understand (and accept) it being there as a part of who I am. (Sometime ago I wrote about using “I” too often and I’m doing it again here 🧐😏).

So, whatevs…those are my thoughts for the evening as expressed, in part, to friend & family via text messages that were reformed into this post. Oh, and as for the title, those names are FUCKING HORRIBLE, someone needs to rebrand them so they are more palatable to folks since they’re both needed.

What, you didn’t think I was going to make it back to the original topic from the title?

Oh ye of little faith…

I’ve been writing Scientist Sees Squirrel for almost 6½ years now – something on the order of 450 posts. With blogging being (supposedly) a dying …

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Collusion between construction companies bidding on public contracts was routinely practiced since at least 1986, a longtime paving company executive told the Charbonneau Commission Wednesday.

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