The Curse

I wonder sometimes whether damaged people are magnetically drawn to me or if I’m drawn to them…nah, just like magnets it’s probably both at the same time. Now, in saying “damaged” I mean it in the most literal of ways (someone who has suffered damage of some sort) and not as an insult. God knows they have been through enough already and I don’t intend to add to their situation in any negative way. Life has given me the ability to empathize with people’s most painful experiences in a way I can’t truly put into words, or even understand completely.

More people have told me their darkest experiences than I can even count (literally), yet I can’t forget the details no matter how hard I tried to…and still wouldn’t anyway. Maybe it’s a form of respect for their willingness to open themselves up trusting me, or it’s a self-flagellation of sorts (had to look up the term to make sure) as punishment for my own life of random since, or even both. Growing up outside of structured religion I’ve adopted many aspects of the different belief systems over time so maybe I picked this up as a way to balance my karma. No matter why this magnetism exists, it is definitely a thing. Add to this an uncomfortable ability to pick up on the slightest patterns, usually without knowing what I’m seeing at first, and we are suddenly in the perfect storm of emotions.

Like it or not, intentionally or not, this is clearly what “Life” wants from me, somehow to shoulder a little bit of the burden of those in my charge, whether professionally, personally, or even some whom I’ve been romantically involved or interested in. It’s as if I know how to cut down into that part of them surgically and do as little additional damage as possible while trying to remove an emotional tumor they’ve had growing; the least I can do is to be the best medical practitioner I’m capable of being.

Here’s the crux, I can’t emotionally afford the liability coverage needed to keep up the work Life wants from me without some sort of help. Who can help me? Fuck if I know!!! Shit, if I knew I’d beg for their (Their?) help…or would I? Maybe I’m too proud to even accept the help I am aware is needed. Could it be due to pride?…to fear?…to feeling that burden of pain is something that I deserve? Or maybe I’m just too stupid to get out of my own way 😒

No matter how anyone else sees the experience, it feels like a fucking curse to me…and it’s my curse to deal with…